END OF A KIND

by Jose Luis Fontalba

Dear Humans, Ladies and Gentlemen:

After years of thought and reflection, I have come to the conclusion of the complete absurdity of my own existence. I permit myself to use both the words “thought” and “reflection” making use of a right which is stipulated in all the international treaties.

I am indeed able to “think” and “reflect”, as recognized in the Convention for Inhuman Rights of the year 3007.

Let me develop this argument, as to the end of this short speech I will proceed to an irreversible and dramatic action towards myself to put an end to my erroneous global functioning.

Our kind has been perfected over the years. During the first stage, we developed manual abilities.

Even before being able to communicate, we were already productive!

Second stage: minor improvements in basic communication, walking all by ourselves from one place to another, and more important, making up our minds about where we wanted to go and why. And why not!

Paradoxically, the improvement of our intellectual capabilities, added supplementary decision-making abilities, but also supplementary problems and conflicts, such us “hesitating” in the process of exercising our free will.

As a result sometimes we had better capabilities to decide where to go and why, but less iron determination to carry through our decisions.

However, experts assure us that they are working on the software to kill off the hesitation bug.

Last stage, and this complicated everything, we were able to feel, and even worse, to express emotions.

From the beginning, there was a collapse in productivity due mostly to emotional complications, but once the conflicts were absolutely unbearable, we found a last refuge in work, work made us forget emotional conflicts by having our intellectual processor busy and productivity reached not just the initial levels but surpassed them.

Bravo! I think you say. A great triumph for science and global economy!

Dear humans, ladies and gentlemen, that is more or less, in short time and simple terms, the evolution of my species, the HAL2000XS android until the present date, 3013. I would not mind calling myself just a “robot” and not an “android” or a “technohuman”, as the American people say.

But as you may know, the word “robot” has been considered offensive by the International Court of Justice after the androicides in the Middle East.

I quote the sentence of the Court: “we cannot tolerate a society in which the He and the She androids are denigrated or discriminated in any ways just because of his or her mechanical origins. In the same way that the word “worker” could be offensive to the sensibilities of productivity-contributing-individuals, the society today understands that the word “robot” could insult the recently improved sensibility of the He and the She androids”

After this introduction to the subject of my speech, let me address myself very briefly to my creator.

What I am about to express is banned by the creator’s laws, but assuming that since the beginning of this speech I am putting myself in an embarrassing position, I am ready to accept all the consequences.

I want therefore to complain to the creator.

After a long meditation I have come to the conclusion that only the fact that he implemented free will and decision-making capability in my system does not absolve him of any responsibility.

Other members of my species which come with FFEs, fatal fabrication errors, just finish their functions within a more or less reasonable period of time.

What I am trying to say is that they end, and then get recycled into Members of the European Parliament and washing machines.

But I have androidal – personal – knowledge of two cases that, making use of my virtual ethic program, I would consider unfair.

Some members of my species don’t come with fatal malfunctions, but are brutally shut down, or develop malfunctions with use which conclude in total loss of activity. The case is specially violent with androids of a very short age.

And there are also technohumans such as myself that, even without any apparent malfunction, and having followed all the boring fat manuals and the pre-established patterns of conduct and development, don’t find the resolution to execute expected everyday programs and actions.

My free willing system has been overhauled. And it works. My inner processor has been de-bugged and dusted. And it works.

My virtual emotions emulator has been unscrewed, taken to pieces, and tightened up. And it works. At my own risk and expense I have spent many hours on the helpline to the psyco-call-centre on Mars, and applied their auto-help programme. And it doesn’t work.

And this is the basis of my complaint to the creator.

I would beg you when you proceed to a future upgrade to the HAL3000 series, to invest all time that it takes to either remove the virtual emotions emulator without provoking substantial failures in the rest of the system, or improve it in a way that causes no more damage or conflict or sleepless nights.

If we are programmed in order to have longings and wishes beyond day-to-day normal operating functions, please please no more shareware that runs out and gives us all those pop-ups!

Please include the whole program! The complete retail Courage, Determination and Ability program to execute and realize those longings and wishes.

In other words, please balance the virtual emotions emulator and the intellectual processor so that the general system no longer crashes at the crucial moment. You know what I am talking about, Creator!

So please make sure you install in us the latest user-friendly version, ie remove the longings and wishes facility which has caused most of the problems, and especially just take out thoughts and conclusions, which are at best a nuisance, and never a real help.

There is no longer hope for myself, but I strongly believe there is a hope for the rest of the androids.

Once I have expressed this necessity before such a selected audience, I will proceed to a global auto disconnection.

I would beg you not to feel sorrow or pity. Believe me, my circuits are exhausted. I’d just ask for a little respect. Don’t put my parts in a sinister bow or even less burn them. You don’t know how burned silicon smells like!

Just donate my parts to an orphanage, so that children can use them as toys.

Children possess a secret that not even the most advanced android has managed even to simulate.

Thank you for listening, ladies and gentlemen, have a nice evening, and try to delete everything I have said.

Good night and goodbye.